Dear Slazenger Tennis Balls,
Thank you for your tubes which are highly satisfying to open. Every time I have the opportunity to open a new tin (which is about once every 4 or 5 years), the crack as the compressed air is expelled and the smell of new balls (please) make me think of Wimbledon and Borris Becker – both of which make me smile and think of what, in another life, could have been (the tennis not the broom cupboard).
Thank you for giving me such a plethora of surfaces on which to print my photos. For the time being, I’ll stick with 6”x4.5” bits of shiny paper, but it’s good to know that if I ever want a personalised Teddy T-Shirt, I have the option.
Thank you for your One-Touch BBQ and allowing me to fulfil the masculine stereotype so effortlessly. You prove that it is possible to combine practicality with aesthetically pleasing design and whilst un-named others may think that the One-Touch looks like the offspring of H.G. Wells’ infamous Martians squatting on the patio, I think you’re beautiful and you fill me with the excited urge to get down to the meat counter every time I catch a glimpse of you.
Thank you for your Multi-Bit Ratcheting Screwdriver. You’ve made it so much easier to put things together, but more importantly to take them apart again, when I realise that a crucial element is missing /the screw is in the wrong place / the shelf is not level. And thank you for creating the “DynaGrip” sub-brand – pointless “techno” sub-brands / branded ingredients always make me smile.
Dear The co-operative,
Thank you for being good with food and especially for being good with Pizza. After a very long day unpacking boxes and trying to find homes for items that defy categorisation (is there a fine but crucial line between everyday tupperware and occasional picnicware?), I would happily have awarded your Four Seasons pizza as many Gold Medals as I had to give.
Dear White & Company,
Thank you for employing Wes, Ren and Mark. We moved house yesterday and they couldn’t have been more friendly, more efficient or more flexible. Your vans may look like Horseboxes but it really doesn’t matter when the goods arrive in one piece and on time at the other end.
Thank you for being the perfect complement to my Road Atlas. You let me go where I want to go and help me when I’m not getting there or when I change my mind. You make travelling to unknown destinations a pleasure and your conciliatory skills are so adept that I suspect you will be reborn as a marriage counsellor.