Monthly Archives: February 2013

Dear Fosters

Fosters Logo

Dear Fosters,

Thank you for summing yourself up with glorious simplicity…”You little ripper”, indeed:

Thank you for the church bell tolling.

Thank you for the envious adam’s apple.

Thank you for the half drunk but unwanted warm-beer.

And, thank you for reminding us of the glorious refreshment of a pint.

Pint of Fosters

OK, I don’t want a pint right now, it being a cold and grey Tuesday afternoon, but next time it’s hot and I’m in the pub…

And finally, thank you for staying true to, with a twist, your leading men Brad and Dan (recast as William and Ralph Foster) and the “Good Call” strapline. Consolidating but evolving the brand memory structure makes for excellent work in my book…I thank you for your past efforts here

Thanks again



Dear VW

VW logo


Dear VW,

I know I’ve thanked you time and time again on this blog, but you just keep on delivering and so I have to keep on thanking you.

I just love this recent instalment, despite the – unnecessary in my view – voiceover towards the end:

Thanks VW.

Given the greatness that has gone before, I was actually pretty underwhelmed by your ad for the New Golf, as from a car advertising perspective it’s pretty undifferentiated.

Water splashing over a gleaming car, blah, blah, blah. But frankly it doesn’t matter.

I still want one and that’s because the brand and the product are so strong.

One run of the mill ad is not going to undo years of brilliant brand building.

I spend a fair amount of time on the M40 and I regularly find myself musing on the topic of cars, usually triggered by the words “and now it’s time for Thought for the Day”, but often just because there are cars, well, everywhere.


My musing involves weighing up the pros and cons of different models, assessing new designs, considering the relative merits of different headlight configurations and styles. Building profiles of different manufacturer driver types. Wondering whether people buy white cars because they think it the safest colour or because they (sub-consciously?) want to look like a cast member from TOWIE.

I know, I know. (It’s a long drive)

But anyway, one of the questions I ask myself is if I had to pick one brand of car for the rest of my life, what would it be?

It would be you VW.

Right now – and money / parking no issue – it would be:

  • 5-door Golf for the school run (wipe-clean leather seats a must)
  • Touareg for family outings and when it snows (4×4 seems compulsory where we live)
  • Either 2-door Golf or the latest Beetle (sportiest one available) for the commute (I’m edging towards the Beetle and generally, hairdressers are nice, so that’s fine)
  • Classic Splitscreen Campervan (souped-up) for holidays / festivals and generally looking cool (would need to start going to festivals)
  • Classic Kharman Ghia (convertible and souped up) for the one sunny day of the year (when the kids are somehow being looked after by someone and for the hell of it).

VW Campervan



vw karman ghia

Would accept a variety of colours but my preference would be black.

Thanks VW


Dear Andrex

Andrex LogoDear Andrex,

Thank you for making me slowly recoil from my TV in a way which only usually occurs when I’m watching Embarrassing Bodies or David Attenborough when he’s got the snakes on – I didn’t think that a brand would be able to manage that, but you have done it with your truly hideous “Scrunch or Fold” campaign:

Some people (aka total nutters) may think this is “brave”, but I think it’s awful.

I mean really very, very bad indeed.

W. T. F. are you on, dudes?

Cadbury’s Creme Egg “How do you eat yours?” was fine – all pretty jovial stuff.

Cadbury Creme Egg

But “How do you wipe yours?” (which is in effect what you’re asking people) is not. Not at all.

And you want them to bother going online to Vote for their preferred method?

And who the hell “scrunches” anyway?!

Andrex Scrunch or Fold

Just because some people that you paid to talk to you in a research group – or more likely depth interview – told you about how they configure their loo paper before commencing upon the dreaded but unfortunately necessary act, DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE REST OF US WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

Puppies fine. Other people’s @rse wiping tactics. Not fine.

And talking of people, what an abhorrent bunch of grotesque caricatures you have chosen to represent your heinous conundrum.

I pretty much hate them all, but the Martini sipping lady is the worst of all.

In the words of one blog I read she’s “a character straight from hell, a woman so depraved and overly sexualised that she even tries to turn wiping her arse into an erotic escapade.”

And please don’t give me any “all publicity is good publicity” / “think of the column inches” / “we’re trying to create a debate, some buzz around the brand” / “we’re trying to break down barriers and taboos” nonsense.

Noise should not be confused with music.

On a different topic, your Andrex Washlets product, as a concept, make sense to me.

A flushable baby-wipe for grown-ups. OK, I get it. And no doubt there’s a decent market for this type of product.

Terrible name incidentally (the previous incarnation Andrex Fresh was infinitely better) but I can get over that.

Andrex Washlets

But you seemed to have totally lost the plot again when it comes to the communication. The Clean Campaign “journey” – fronted by Dawn Porter and with its very own YouTube Channel and Facebook page – is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Words desert me.

Please, please can I never ever go in the Washlet Wagon. Ever.

Thanks again.