Dear Andrex

Andrex LogoDear Andrex,

Thank you for making me slowly recoil from my TV in a way which only usually occurs when I’m watching Embarrassing Bodies or David Attenborough when he’s got the snakes on – I didn’t think that a brand would be able to manage that, but you have done it with your truly hideous “Scrunch or Fold” campaign:

Some people (aka total nutters) may think this is “brave”, but I think it’s awful.

I mean really very, very bad indeed.

W. T. F. are you on, dudes?

Cadbury’s Creme Egg “How do you eat yours?” was fine – all pretty jovial stuff.

Cadbury Creme Egg

But “How do you wipe yours?” (which is in effect what you’re asking people) is not. Not at all.

And you want them to bother going online to Vote for their preferred method?

And who the hell “scrunches” anyway?!

Andrex Scrunch or Fold

Just because some people that you paid to talk to you in a research group – or more likely depth interview – told you about how they configure their loo paper before commencing upon the dreaded but unfortunately necessary act, DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE REST OF US WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

Puppies fine. Other people’s @rse wiping tactics. Not fine.

And talking of people, what an abhorrent bunch of grotesque caricatures you have chosen to represent your heinous conundrum.

I pretty much hate them all, but the Martini sipping lady is the worst of all.

In the words of one blog I read she’s “a character straight from hell, a woman so depraved and overly sexualised that she even tries to turn wiping her arse into an erotic escapade.”

And please don’t give me any “all publicity is good publicity” / “think of the column inches” / “we’re trying to create a debate, some buzz around the brand” / “we’re trying to break down barriers and taboos” nonsense.

Noise should not be confused with music.

On a different topic, your Andrex Washlets product, as a concept, make sense to me.

A flushable baby-wipe for grown-ups. OK, I get it. And no doubt there’s a decent market for this type of product.

Terrible name incidentally (the previous incarnation Andrex Fresh was infinitely better) but I can get over that.

Andrex Washlets

But you seemed to have totally lost the plot again when it comes to the communication. The Clean Campaign “journey” – fronted by Dawn Porter and with its very own YouTube Channel and Facebook page – is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Words desert me.

Please, please can I never ever go in the Washlet Wagon. Ever.

Thanks again.

Ned

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